so latly ive been hating

all of me my entire body is huge its like im a fucking balloon im so disapointed in myself.

123, im mad at myself.

:( fml

So today was suckish but also kind of good? I weighed myself and im 124 :[:[ still huge but then again seeing that weight motivated me to workout like crazy today and i only had two chocolate chips and threw the rest of the bag out,  and for xmas i bought myself a really cheap treadmill since my last one broke :'( i wanna go visit my nana in arizona for a couple weeks soon. itll be a nice vacation from everyone and ill have peace and quiet for once! mmk i love anyone who takes the time to read these! pce

It feels good to  be back! :) MMK so heres whats going on in my life, (as if anyone cares HA) Well my mother isnt talking to me at all and its christmas in five days, and i bet she still wont talk to me even then! She moved back in with her idiot of an ex so there was a fight. My dad is loving and supportive as always hes taking me to get a tattoo in 14 days!!!! Im getting a line of music notes on my wrist write under my palm. hes getting a bear?? lmao. Im really excited. Ive gained alot of weight beacause its snowing and my tredmill decided to tweak on me and break so ive been lazy :[ BUT im gonna get control back i know it, i have to. im going on the pill and i hear it makes you gain 15 pounds!!!! im scared to death its literally been sitting at cvs for a week, ive been neglecting going to get it beacause im so nervous about the 15 pounds thing!!! any suggestions on that???!!!! and id like to know how everyones doing so talk!

ive gained two pounds now im at 122.3, feel bloated as hell all i can see is my huge arms!!!!! idk if its possible to notcieafter to punds but ugh they loook fucking huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my cheeks look rounder too :( ugh, not a good day at all, starting tomroow im only havinf 200 cals or less a day for a while i cant stand this 122.3 im pathetic. ugh its just so frustrating you know! and my doctor said shes keeping an eye on me cuz i even though ive gained 2 punds since last week ive lost crazy amounts since my last doctors oppointment, so yea my mom says i have never looked better :) my dad says to fatten up and his friend said i had thunder thighs sooo hes a day ruiner. but 300 or less i can do it any tips?!?! i dont need to eat breakfast and i dont eat lunch how can i stop myself from dinner with my dad?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! help? i run or walk a mile every other day so idk how much wait will i lose do you think in like 2 weeks?

amazing i had water :] and oh ya water :] nice! anyway reading my best friends poetry latly hes amaing i love him :] <3

gross~ coffee with nasty cream, a noodle with sauce my friend chelsea shoved in my face(im not kidding likE the sauce was all over my face after)  my dad took me to dinner so sald with italian dressing a few onion rings at dinner(dad was watching me like a hawk) two pices of a single french frie gum diet coke


NOT KIDDING WORST DAY IN  FUCKING HISTORY PEOPLE.

I have found that keeping busy helps me forget about hunger and my familys issues right now. Today i slipped and ate two twizzlers, ew, and about 2 cups of cereal. OH not to mention the coffee my daddy bought me this morning!  Ruined my good day. i felt so gross after too, slugish and sick, not fun. i got home and made plans with friends for the weekend so i dont have to be around when my daddy bakes his "first one of the year" apple pie. Seriously, i would just die. My mother is too busy being a nurse and going to school and running around with her boyfriend to notice anything that happens to me, but who cares we all have our issues some worse than others but like i said who cares? Tomorrow im restricting to a cup of coffee  or a salad, im not sure which one ill want more but definatly not both, maybe ill start a fast who knows but tomroow will be better i know it.